Children can be quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN:Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,but also admitted it.
Now,Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:A teacher

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Anger Managenment Works

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to
make.

I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f*** ing
number!” and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole !” and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole !” It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID
Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale ” sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW ******** too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

He said, “Yes, it is..”

I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”

He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .

It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.”

I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

He said, “I’m home every evening after five..”

I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

He said, “Yes?”

I said, “Don, you’re an asshole !”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

He said, “Hello.”

I said, “You’re an asshole!”

(But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He screamed, “Stop calling me!”

I said, “Make me.”

He asked, “Who are you?”

I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”

He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”

I said, “******** I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler,

I have a black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, ********” and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, “Hello?”

I said, “Hello, asshole .”

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are….”

I said, “You’ll what?”

He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,”

I answered, “Well, ******** here’s your chance.

I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34

Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to
kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd..in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works!!!