Children can be quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN:Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,but also admitted it.
Now,Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:A teacher

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Southern Comments

Southern Comments
Exclamations:
– “Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
– “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

Threats:
– “I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.”
– “This’ll jar your preserves.”
– “Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”

Good Things/Compliments:
– “Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
– “If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
– “Gooder than grits.”

The Weather:
– “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
– “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
– Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”

Descriptions:
– A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
– When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
– If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
– “He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
– A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

Insults:
– “She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
– “Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.'”
– “He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
– “Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
– “The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”
– Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.” Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”